Free Indeed

     When we give in to temptation, we open the door of our heart and mind to darkness. The devil has been practicing for thousands of years and knows what temptations to bring us. When he comes, it’s not about whether or not Jesus can ward the temptation off, it’s about if we let him. Jesus always whispers “Call my name. Let me rescue you,” but the temptation grows louder and insistent and we slowly push him away and stop listening. “Yes, I know you can help…but…I want to experience this pleasure more than I want to walk in obedience.”


     We let ourselves go without Jesus for so long it’s ridiculous. One night, I was standing in the shower and I moved away from the warm water to pick up a fallen shampoo bottle. I quickly grew cold but adapted to it. When I went back under the water, the sudden heat felt wonderful. It was there the entire time. Jesus is there, with exactly what we need; ready to give us life if we just “draw near.”


     After years of playing tug of war with Jesus, I had come to a place where I was so isolated in sin that I wasn’t even sure if I was a worthy of calling myself a Christian. I had no idea what to do about the guilt that was plaguing my soul and I was too ashamed of the things I’d done to tell anyone. But Jesus had a perfect plan for me.


     When I was 16, I went on a mission’s trip to New York City. I went thinking I would be helping Jesus’ kingdom, but instead, he helped me. Jesus healed my heart and freed me from the guilt and shame I had been carrying.


     One late night on the trip, I admitted to my youth leaders Becca and Annie that I still struggled with the guilt and shame of my past sin. Becca told me something that I’ll never forget.


     “Stop thinking about it. It’s gone. It’s gone. As far as the east from the west. You are new. Christ still sees you as pure and beautiful, like you are. His grace is sufficient. Do not beat yourself up. It’s gone.” She spoke the truth. I was free.


     Overwhelmed, I retreated to the bathroom. In my mind, I saw Jesus on the ground, bruised and bloodied. Guards swarmed around him, beating him, their angry voices mixing with the vicious accusations of the crowd to create a cacophony of hatred. I deserved what they were screaming. But he took it. Jesus took it for me. He knew I would be born and how I would sin. The marks he bore were caused by sin I would one day commit. And he did it willingly.


     I fell to the ground. I heard my name called in a gentle, firm way, the voice peaceful and kind. A man’s feet appeared in the room with me. He wore white robes and shone like the sun. He stood near me and spoke my name. “Christine.” Jesus had come to me in a bathroom in the middle of New York, of all places! I wanted to praise and worship him but I was crying too much. My own songs of worship sprang from my soul. His peace descended over me. As I wept, I knew that I was forgiven.


     When I came out, Annie looked at my tear streaked face and said, “Listen to me. Jesus doesn’t remember your sin at all. Why should you?” My leaders prayed I’d feel his forgiveness like never before, that I would see visions of God’s love. Instantly, I felt Jesus’ presence. “I can feel the Spirit flow through me into you,” Annie whispered, her voice electric. I closed my eyes, three images passing through my mind.


     The first was of me standing in the heavens, bright clouds surrounding me. I was dressed in all white. My face was vibrant, pure and holy, smiling. Return to me, for I have redeemed you, the Spirit whispered words from the book of Isaiah. Light shone around me from all sides. The clouds were beautiful, stretching on forever. I was pure.


     The second was of Jesus showing me his pierced hand, cradling it with the other. The palm faced me, pierced and bleeding crimson. The Spirit reminded me of all that His hands meant. But he was pierced for our transgressions….and by his wounds we are healed. I was set free.


     In the third I sat at Jesus’ feet. I could see the edges of his white robe. The ground was white all around me. I saw my hands laying something down and spreading it out. It was dense and black like smoke. It was my sin. As I watched, it slowly dissipated. I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. I was forgiven.


     I realized something through it all. Before, during and after the visions, I was forgiven. I had already been forgiven. Jesus died on the cross for all of my sins, not just the ones I did before I’d known better. I had some basic lessons to learn, and Jesus was ready to teach me. Forgiven means forgotten. He forgave my sin the second I asked. I needed to forgive myself and accept it. It's as simple as that.


     My sins were as far as the east from the west, yet before the visions, they were never far from my mind. I kept them bound tightly to me by my guilt and shame. But if Jesus can love me, call me beloved and forgiven, then I must do the same. If he can call me his, then so can I am precious to him. I needed to silence the voices of death that lied to me, and pay attention to the voice of Jesus.


     His perfect love drives out all guilt, shame and fear. His forgiveness is not earned or maintained, it’s just there. Somewhere along the line I needed to learn to be like Jesus. Not just in holiness and obedience to the Father, but also in the way he treats me. He does not hold my sin against me. In the same way, I should not hold my sin against me. As Jesus said, “If the son sets you free, you are free indeed.”